I lost my bestfriend

I’ve been thinking all day about how I should write my last post on this website. Should I be depressing and talk negatively? No that won’t help. Should I write it in such a way others will feel connected to it? No because I won’t be. Should I write this post about every great memory I have of my bestfriend? No because I won’t get out what I need to say.

I have had the most tremendous love and support since Saturday. 

September 30th 2017 started like a normal day. It was good. Tank and I were on the couch watching movies. I decided to take him to the bathroom and when we came back inside around 4:15, he started to have symptoms of what the vets called a heart attack. I immediately called his vet and within the hour, a group of vets and assistants showed up. While we waited I had a feeling this was the end for Tank. So I laid with him and told him all my favorite things about him. I let him know I was there and I let him know it was okay to give up. By the time they got there Tank was weak and you could tell he was in pain. He was uncousious already and I lost my bestfriend within an hour.

I’ve been very mixed about my emotions because of all that is happening around me. I get angry at others that are trying to comfort me because they don’t know what I’m feeling or going through. And then I get angry at myself because I sit here crying and feel pain in my heart, while other people have watched family and friends get shot at an event they thought was going to be the best night ever. What do I do? I have no room to talk. I’m not going through what they are.

But I realized…. we all are going through different things. We all have our own tragedies and it’s okay for me to be sad. It’s okay to cry. This post is merely for me and me only. I just need to get out how I feel.

It’s been three days. Three whole days that I haven’t had my bestfriend. I hate being downstairs in my own house because that’s where Tank was. I cant clean my house because I don’t want to move his stuff. I cant look at pictures of him because then my heart hurts. I was Tanks mom for 3 years. That’s all I was. Every move I made, was for Tank. Everything I did, I thought “Tank”. What do I do now? I dont hear oinks when I come in the door anymore. I look at his bed every 5 minutes because that’s what I’m used to. I think I need to get home to be with Tank until I realize he’s not there anymore.

Positive thoughts need to come more often but they’ve started to arrive… I think of how thankful I am to have expierenced such an amazing animal. He showed me how loving and smart pigs could really be. I also got to expierence what it was like to be a veterinarian, I got to see the machines, learn new medicines, watch so many procedures happen and I know it’ll be useful for me in the future. 

I thank God every day for placing Tank in my life.

Tank isn’t the only animal in my life though and I need to focus on them more now. Teddy and Willow have been so good since Tank got sick, they weren’t getting as much attention as they used to but I think they understood… they were great and now they are being so loving and good animals. I’m thankful for them as well.

I understand this post isn’t grammatically correct or written in a perfect paragraph form and doesnt have points and a climax. But I’m writing this to help me grieve. I will probably edit and add as time goes on. I like to think of it as a diary for me. But letting others read it will give some more of an understanding for them.

Im thankful for everyone who has text, called and sent love. I don’t really know what I need right now besides hugs and chocolate milk. But everyone has been so kind and it’s great to hear how Tank left an impact on other people. 

RIP Tank I miss you every minute