I sacrificed a lot moving to Florida, I left behind friends, family members and familiar faces.
I left behind being able to pick up a good friend and drive up the mountains just so we can both vent and be there for each other. I left behind seeing familiar faces every time I went to Walmart and Starbucks. I left the mountains that allowed to leave my heartache behind, and I left behind the lake that soothed my mind.
These are thing I didn’t think I would miss, things that you really wish for when you’re sitting in a room that feels like a dungeon with no one around and having no friends there that you can just go drive with.
I have never really been a people person and most know that, I don’t do well in awkward situations and I’m not good with confronting if I don’t know you either. I have always had a hard time making friends and always feel out of place because I can’t seem to find people that like what I do or have the same interest. The few friends that I have had, I am thankful for. Although we lost each other while finding ourselves they were always there for me when I needed.
Now as I’m alone 2000 miles away, I realize that maybe God wants me to put my all, in animals or he’s pushing me out of my comfort zone. And I’m just not ready for that yet.
As I sit here, in tears, upset over family matters that I know are uncontrollable especially when I’m miles away; forced me to run to all I have, Tank.
People call me crazy but I find comfort in him. When I’m upset, he’s always there. Although he has to be here, the actions that he makes and the energy coming from him is a sense of relief and comfort. I feel as if he knows when I’m in pain and heartbroken, for he needs to be by my side as I’m hurting as well as he has to make silly noises and show me, in a way that I feel in my heart, him caring.
And that, I think, is why God put Tank in my life.
I have been through rough patches, where it is only because of my mind playing tricks on me. I have been so rock bottom that I didn’t think I would surface.
So being alone is my weakest point. Having no one is what I thought would destroy me. Being a highly emotional person, I am glad to say I am starting to surface. I have found some air bubbles. And I’ve realized that I can’t just focus on not having someone. I have to build my future. I have to do what I was meant to do when I am grown.
As I believe; I am meant to help animals, but I also feel that animals are meant to help me.
I’ve witnessed the true beauty of animals sensing our pain and our happiness. As have I witnessed the wonderful actions animals take to make a human feel better.
Call me weird, but just think about what I’m saying next time you’re upset and your dog is there with you. Think about how happy you feel when you come home to an animal that seems so thankful to have you.
As I sit here preparing for a heartbreak soon to come, caused by losing someone that is dear to my heart. I think of all the wonderful times my dog has been more reliable than a friend. How many times, I’ve laughed so hard because of an animal’s actions, in my heart all I needed was that laugh. I think of how great it is to sit here and vent to an animal that won’t repeat your words, or judge you for crying over the boy breaking your heart.
But… they can’t say things to make you feel better when someone in your heart passes. They can only show you, it’ll be okay.
Now everyone has their own feelings, everyone is connected to something in a different kind of way. Some people share this with animals, others with music, as well as with nature and others out there.
Whatever fills your heart with joy and love I hope you cherish it, I hope it fills your needs as a person and I hope it helps you become the kind of person you want to be.
I mainly wrote this blog for myself to let the pain out, to speak my mind. But also as a reminder to myself that I need to focus on me more, I need to live a life that I know my grandmother would be proud to see. I can’t focus my life on needing my person. Because when I find myself, when I know who I am. I believe that God will send me my person, he will fill my life with the people I need by my side. But for now, I will just have to deal with crying my heart out to a pig and a cat, that don’t know what I’m saying but know how to fill my heart with joy.
I may have left behind so much in Arizona…
But, with all this loss I know God has a plan for me. I know that I will gain so much more in the future, and although I feel alone and lost, God is there by my side. He is helping me, knowing this storm will pass
If there is anyone out there that feels the way I do or needs someone to fill their heart with love, you will find it. You will be okay. I’m not saying it’ll be easy to overcome your obstacle but it is possible, no you can’t just “get over it”. But, you can “grow from it”
Sending love to you all from; Tank, Teddy and I
The Higgy Farm 